Monday, March 28, 2005

I'm Depressed

I went to church yesterday. It left me on the brink of depression. I was totally devastated emotionally. It took me the rest of the day to regain my composure.

What happened was this:

Hillary and I went to church. We got out of the car about a block away from the building and walked the rest of the way. In front of us was a couple I recognized. The woman had been pregnant. Unfortunately there was no happy ending. She had given birth to a still born child a week ago.

I could see she was crying. She held a handkerchief to her eyes from time to time as her husband was comforting her. We arrived at the door of the church a few seconds apart. The couple stopped at the door to talk to the reverend.

Parishioners came to me and Hillary to talk to us and wish me a speedy recovery.

I was still watching the lady. The revered looked up to see what the commotion was all about. He saw me and almost immediately he said goodbye to the couple. He put his hand on the shoulder of the woman, walked around them and came to me.

Why? Why did this “man of God” leave this grief stricken couple to come and talk to me? Why?

This woman’s husband is an insurance salesman or something like that. I don’t really know them, except from hear say.

Maybe they didn’t understand. Maybe they were grateful for the few seconds the reverend had for them.

I do understand. I was in that same situation when I was little. My mom was a widow, a nobody. Nobody helped us. She worked four jobs and never complained.

I showed them, huh? I’m a big man now. When a woman gives birth to a still born child, the reverend doesn’t want to spend time with her. Oh no, he wants to spend time with me.

Because my pain is so much bigger than her pain.

This reverend, this holy man, talks the talk, he waves the Bible in the air, but his heart isn’t walking the walk. No, I’m being too poetic. The guy is a scumbag. When he walked over to me and Hillary, I swear I was about to spit in his face. I was ready to explode, but as usual I swallowed the venom.

I smiled. What does that make me? I’m just as phony as everybody else.

All day long I couldn’t forget what had happened. His behavior caused me to have one of my moods when I completely lose faith in humanity. He invited my old demons back into my life. Memories of things past.

It’s very hard to put these demons to rest. I talk to myself and I talk to myself. I’m not a nice guy. I have demons in me. We all do. Maybe mine are a bit bigger than other people’s, because I went through hell when I was a little boy, but I fought back.

You know what happens when you shave off your beard? It grows back, stronger than before. The harder I fought to free myself from the hell I lived in, the harder the demons fought back. I won. That’s what I thought. I won, but at what cost?

Some days there is a storm raging in my head. Round and round and round it goes. You can’t shut it down. You just have to lock yourself in your room, all by yourself and let it rage. On those days all you see is darkness.

I had one of those days yesterday, but I’m over it now.