Saturday, November 20, 2004

Sinuses diappointment

I feel terrible. My nose is partly blocked, there is a fog in my head, my sinuses hurt, inside my mouth, the top hurts, it hurts to breath and I feel warm and cold at the same time at different parts of my body. I’m coming down with a fever. Oh God, I can’t use this right now. I haven’t healed from my heart by-pass operation and the complications following that. And now a cold or a fever.

Medicating this is a problem too, because what’s good against a fever is bad for the by-pass condition. God, why always me, why always me?

For the past two days, all I read is stories about my mistake in office, Ken Starr, me threatening Peter Jennings during the ABC news interview. What a baloney. Eight years in office, the best economy in the history of our nation, peace, prosperity and the newspapers and TV boils my legacy down to his museum looks like a trailer home, he lied about his mistake.

I know, I know, I made a mistake. One mistake. And all they can say is Bill Clinton had an affair with Monica Lewinsky. I paid for that. I’m still paying for that. I hurt my family and I paid for that. I never hurt the country. I did a good job in office, but the media doesn’t want to give me even that satisfaction. They just want to tarnish my legacy by bringing up the same old same old over and over again.

Anybody who thinks the media are liberal and they will give Democrats the benefit of the doubt is wrong. The media are bloodhounds. If you’re so unfortunate as to let them smell some blood, like I did with my mistake, they will hunt you, they will tear you apart. Democrat or Republican. Even if some of them think, well this story is not worth the damage we are doing to this person, the pack mentality will take over and kill is the only commandment ruling their behavior. That was what I tried to tell Peter Jennings.

After all the media did to break my spirit then, now they are out in full force to tarnish my legacy by constantly highlighting my mistake and ignoring all the good things I did.

You know, when I was sitting there during the opening of the Clinton Presidential Center listening to the former presidents and the bands, I felt proud, but at times, I had this feeling of falling, like I was falling from the sky. Without a parachute. I wasn’t scared and I didn’t scream in my thought. I just felt like I was falling.

I’ve had that feeling for the past two days and nights. I’m freefalling. The thing is now, it must be the fever, now I see Barbara Bush’s face and I hear her voice saying something like: You will disappear into presidential history for your mediocrity, like what you did to my husband.

It’s a strange sentence, but that’s how it pops up in my mind. And she’s right. Is it just coincidence that the present president Bush has deconstructed everything I built, every single achievement is gone? Everything my presidency stood for has been undone in the past four years. And we got 4 more years ahead of us.

George W. has always been nice to me. So wonderful. Gracious. Behaving like a present president should towards a former president. He’s been so considerate to me, Hillary and Chelsea. In the mean time he’s been cutting and slicing my legacy till nothing is left of it. Oh you’re smart George, you’re so smart. But I’m not dead yet. I will protect my legacy. I will be the one writing the definitive version of my legacy, my 8 years in office. Me, not you, not the media, not Rush Limbaugh, not Ken Starr. Me.

What can I say? I’m disappointed. In myself, the media, everybody. And there’s nothing I can do about anything. My heart can’t carry me no more. It rains on the day of the dedication of my library. I got a fever coming on, which will make it impossible for me to give people my side of the story in this critical period of my political life.

Ah what’s the use. Everything is against me right now. Here I am in my bed. All I want to do is pull the blanket over my head and disappear into oblivion.