Monday, June 21, 2004

I'm not Happy

I don't know. I don't know. The day began wonderfully. Hillary had to go to Washington. She kissed me goodbye. I mean really kissed me goodbye. Not the obligatory peck on the cheek I had become accustomed to. Our relationship has gone to a deeper level of intimacy these past few days. Chelsea called yesterday. Curly had called her up in tears. He told her he was afraid their relationship was about to go bust and he wanted to talk things out. After Hillary left I received a fax from my publisher. The fax contained the NY Times review of my book. The critic hated my book. She said it was all over the place, too indulgent, too dull. I felt like a sledge hammer hit me in the stomach. I know it's just one critic, but I have worked so hard on my book. So hard and to see my work slaughtered like this brings me to the brink of crying. She's just one person. She's just like those Republicans who were trying to prosecute me after the affair. I'm used to it. I shouldn't get this emotional. But I do. I got a headache. I went back to bed, pulled the blanket over my head and tried to sleep. It took 3 sleeping pills.

I really, really hope Americans like my book when they get the chance to read it tomorrow. I really hope they like it. What if they don't like it? What have I left if Americans abandon me. I wish Hillary was here right now. I need two arms around me to comfort me. I'm alone. Again. Must I always be alone? Always?